This business of surviving cancer seems silly at times. Many of you will survive — and each of you are my heroes. Many more of us stand far less of a chance. So my question is for those of us with lower odds — when is enough, enough?
I am truly excited for the next step. Together, Susie and I have tried to envision a butterfly’s metamorphosis. As I transform from this world, I hope to be thrilled by what I experience next — but it’s difficult to imagine what that will be. Will it be bright lights and loved ones? Will I be returned to some place I’ve been before? Or is it simply ashes to ashes?
Eleven months into the predicted 1-3 year ordeal. Susie has read me volumes of books to help me prepare for that next step. Right or wrong, the books help me draw strength and I genuinely feel comforted by the idea that good things lie beyond this life. Not knowing what they are is fascinating, albeit frightening — and the question of “when is enough, enough?” continues to haunt me.
The first 6 months made me want to keep living. Our road trips were so full of hope and time seemed almost limitless. But now the reality: I’m no longer the same person and I can feel life slipping away. Each passing day becomes more difficult and some of the things that once brought me so much joy are now missing — like cooking and gardening. And everyday stuff we take for granted, like driving. I really miss driving.
There are also things that remain intact — my family continues to be present, supportive and loving, my friends stay in contact (almost to a fault), I’m still in awe of each December sunset — and an entire city has made me feel like their son.
So, as for my question of when is enough, enough?
The answer is…not today.