This business of surviving cancer seems silly at times. Many of you will survive — and each of you are my heroes. Many more of us stand far less of a chance. So my question is for those of us with lower odds — when is enough, enough?
I am truly excited for the next step. Together, Susie and I have tried to envision a butterfly’s metamorphosis. As I transform from this world, I hope to be thrilled by what I experience next — but it’s difficult to imagine what that will be. Will it be bright lights and loved ones? Will I be returned to some place I’ve been before? Or is it simply ashes to ashes?
Eleven months into the predicted 1-3 year ordeal. Susie has read me volumes of books to help me prepare for that next step. Right or wrong, the books help me draw strength and I genuinely feel comforted by the idea that good things lie beyond this life. Not knowing what they are is fascinating, albeit frightening — and the question of “when is enough, enough?” continues to haunt me.
The first 6 months made me want to keep living. Our road trips were so full of hope and time seemed almost limitless. But now the reality: I’m no longer the same person and I can feel life slipping away. Each passing day becomes more difficult and some of the things that once brought me so much joy are now missing — like cooking and gardening. And everyday stuff we take for granted, like driving. I really miss driving.
There are also things that remain intact — my family continues to be present, supportive and loving, my friends stay in contact (almost to a fault), I’m still in awe of each December sunset — and an entire city has made me feel like their son.
So, as for my question of when is enough, enough?
The answer is…not today.
Yes, December sunsets are beautiful.
OH! GOD LOVE HIM! He said so much in a brief message. All of us wonder and ponder from time to time Loren, I hope you were thrilled to arrive! You are definitely missed!
What an incredible human being. I hope you found the lights.
[…] is Loren’s last post From December 16th 2013 […]