***CLICK PLAY BELOW TO HEAR LOREN READ ALONG***
BREAKING NEWS: I’ve become a chick.
Please excuse the un-evolved reference but seriously, I need some man time. I need some knuckle bumping, beer guzzling, sports watching man time.
I worked on a news set surrounded by women. I live in a house full of them. And it’s my female friends who are most insistent that we hang out—or maybe they’re just the ones I’ve been saying ‘yes’ to. Suddenly I’m going to luncheons where the drinks are pastel colored and there are purses on chairs. And inevitably, someone wants to split an entree. In recent weeks I’ve had lunch dates with some beautiful (and brilliant) San Diego newswomen—while the people around us wonder if I should be envied or pitied.
But I’m not complaining. Sharing a table with the likes of Kathleen Bade, Aloha Taylor and Susan Lennon is nothing to complain about. But I have a girl time threshold and I crossed it about 10 minutes into the first lunch.
I like man time because we talk about man stuff. You know—tools and digging holes, fishing and football. But girl time means girl talk. Nail polish and Stevie Nicks, hair color and horoscopes. There’s lipstick on stemware and lettuce on every plate. And crying. Lots of crying. And they’re not even crying about my terminal cancer. They’re teary eyed and sniffly and I don’t even know why.
So, I raise a toast to my girlfriends: Enough already! I love you but I’ve got man stuff to do—rattlesnakes to wrangle, fires to build and facial hair to grow. And I think I’ll watch some baseball. There’s no crying in baseball.
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I think that you are hanging out with the wrong type of women for you!
For instance, I love to do things some people would considerate “manly” sports. I love to fly fish (bent barb only), golf, snowboard and “catch air” and do shots afterwards. I hike, chop my own kindling and was a US Marine Sgt,! I am a VP for a large company and do yoga to chill out .I love my mani/pedis, spa days and do fine justice to a cocktail dress & spike heels. Quite franlky, I’ve NEVER had a crying jag while hanging out with friends. I suggest that you look to hang out with people who have a more diverse world picture. I personally encourage “Man-cave” time… it’s the best thing for a guy! I just get creepy shivers from the pampered breed of leechy, pseudo-frail women that you write about. Cosmetic “adjustments”, shopping, noshing, crying, temper tantrums, etc. – YUCK.!!!!
My garage is always open to you.
Loren, oh man do I feel for you. The rooster in the henhouse routine can be exhausting — I know from having worked in a women dominated industry for 20 years. You know what would make you feel better? Go to Vegas with one or more of the Gaian Goddesses in your life and see the show, Defending the Caveman. It’s Comedy Anthropology and it will set you free brother! It’s a permanent fixture in Vegas and is now at Harrahs. The rotating comedians that do this show are amazing and you’ll come to understand that “Men as Hunters and Women as Gathers” is the basis for the best night comedy you can buy and will have you nudging each other as he discusses the “why” behind the difference between how men and women, talk, love and fight. I now “hunt” channels on the TV with impunity – my wife understands that I must be hunting at all times. By the same token, I understand now why she must always be gathering …feelings, stories, things and information. I’m sure you can find some YouTube clips if you want to test the waters before you commit.
Meanwhile – you’re invited to my home in Vista where every other night or so I hunt down the rats that have invaded my compost and fruit trees and the omnipresent snails that are the bane of my existence. We’ll award extra points for a non BB gun kill of a rat. Last night I hit one with a frisbee and I whooped so loud the dogs in the valley all went nuts. And if you like we can fire up my weed burner and we can take on the black and brown widows that inhabit (one every 15-18 inches) on my stone wall. When we’ve had enough we’ll pee in the compost (nitrogen man!) and utter only short sentence fragment and grunts as we set about releasing the cavemen within.
I can bring Arlo to you for a few days, & you can talk man to man. He IS very expressive!
Love your posts & love you.
My husband can understand this…. when we went to pick up our puppy years ago, the breeder talked price and neutering was involved. My husband pulled her aside, and pleaded his case. He asked for the dog to remain intact, because he was surrounded by three females and even the hamster was female. He said he needed to have some testosterene around him…. the breeder was laughing so hard we got the puppy… intact. DAF
DAF/ I am still laughing, that was so funny. I am sure the puppy was glad even though he didn’t know what he almost lost. LOVE IT> Jackie
glad it made you smile, everyone enjoys that story… now I am the one that is over run by males… the hamster died, the girls moved on and now I am the one surrounded by males…. thanks for the comment!
OK Loren, Monday I need to replace two raspberry plants on the side of the hill, burgers and beer after.
Love you, love yer spirit
That was great! Very Loren-esque.
I feel for you Loren.
My husband says that I’m more a guy than some guys, so maybe I can fill that hole, I just don’t drink anymore give a place and time & my hubby will get me there ang with us, gotta couple of sons who can bump up the testeron levels a bit more,too.
How about Skeet Shooting with Bruce Wiegand and Pals? Beers afterwards?
“The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.”
OK, I get this. I may like being a woman but there are only so many girly things you can talk about. I like talking about my garden. Many women would NEVER get their hands dirty. I like talking about “doing” stuff in or on my house. And yes, I have tools. Car tools, house tools and Pink tools. I LOVE football. It is almost the only thing I watch from August until the first week in February…2 months until camp, 3 months until the first pre-season pro game and college games. :-). Baseball just passes some of the time in between and as a friend of mine used to say “February is the cruelest month of the year….No real sports”
So, I understand! Have some beer drinking, chest bumping, sports talking, the one that got away wast THAT big, time with the guys and Enjoy!
You need to come out here to Pala, where you can join my husband for some man time banging on his drum set and go fishing at the pond and watch the sunset that we always send to Aloha for Fox 5 to show on TV. Ask Aloha!! 🙂 I sure miss you on TV just wish you could do a 5 min couch time every nite to say Hey…. love n light..
LMFAO!!!! Love it Loren!!! Keep writing so we can keep reading!!! XOXOXOXO
Hysterical….. My son caught a snake in our backyard just yesterday. Although it was not a rattlesnake, he was viewed as the HERO to all his kids. A big presentation as they all followed the pied piper to the preserve behind the house to release this beautiful creature. Yes, “man time” is what makes a man walk like a Rooster in the Hen House.
Funny thing is…. I think I’m more like men than women.
You know the Mars are from Mars book? Well- my husband and I decided to read it together as if we were going to absorb some astonishing epiphany re: how to handle our marriage. Mind you, we have never read a book together- nor will we ever again. Doug would read a page. I would read a page- and by the end of the first chapter- we both burst out laughing.
You see- I guess I wear the pants in the family. Doug has always known that I’m not the high maintenance women that has perfect fingernails, sports the newest trends in fashion- or wears any blingy jewelry. Nope- I’m perfectly content in jeans and sweatshirts- and now I know- even have personality traits of men.
You see- the book described women as more more “touchy feely” and that when they talk about their trials and tribulations. They “just want to be heard.” Women just want to have someone hear them out, provide a bouncing and really say nothing at all other than– “I totally understand.” That must suck (that me with the suck thing and, not very ladylike.) What women don’t want to hear –possible solutions to their problems. Evidently men respond with suggestions and women just want to “share their issues.”
You see- I’m the jean and sweatshirt girl – dirty hands and all- . I like to help people find solutions and not dwell on what’s wrong. Tell me your problem and I just can’t stop spewing all the creative solutions I can muster. Doug, on the other hand,- “just wants to be heard. Enough already with the help. I don’t want possible solutions. I just want whine – I mean “share” my situation. Give me a break.”
That’s not where it ended either….. I see things as black and white- while Doug sees every potential grey area there “might be…” – Perhaps that’s is the attorney in him… I am not adverse to risk and thrive on competition. I like to dig in and help solve things. Doug HATES risk and doesn’t understand why I come up with creative ideas and business opportunities.
I’m not saying that Doug is a girlie girl- just a bit more touchy feely than I am. You see- not all men are from Mars- nor women from Venus. I think I was born on pluto.
Loren- wanna go to lunch?
Oh Loren, I think it is great you get to go out with a bunch of beautiful women.
So many guys wish they were in your shoe, well maybe not the cancer.
Anyway, things are definitely looking brighter for you so savor the moment!
As always, I wish you and your family well!
I am happy to be your wing man in all of these luncheons. I am in radio, so I can handle media types. I have a ridiculous knowledge of pop culture and show tunes. Ok, the show tunes might not help with the male cred.
One of my all time favorite lines…….gotta love Tom Hanks in that role. And Loren……it’s a beautiful thing to watch you start feeling better and getting back to your old self!
Love you, Loren, and sure miss you on TV, but at least I can heard your melodious voice on your blog. Man it up, Dude! *hugs
I want that chick’s dress, second from the left! And I want that chick, all of her, third from the left!
Well, this blog should certainly give you plenty of dude-time options soon enough!
Keep rocking it, LN!
Estrogen Parties Are Rampant…
Love it (the post) and love you (even more) for sharing this journey with us all. Now go loudly belch beer somewhere you’re fully appreciated!
That is the best post ever!!!!!
Why Robert has a boy dog, Rodeo. 🙂
……….and this is exactly why you are enjoyed and loved so much….you are so darn funny, poignant and honest! well Loren, go dig, save a snake, compost and talk tools and sports with your guys………us girls are good at sharing….within reason, (our reasoning of course!).
Amen. I am a “chick” but sometimes I even get weary of chick stuff. If golf counts you are welcome to come to my house😝I always know when it’s Thursday cause that is when the next tournament begins. If that doesn’t work for you, there is drywall repair due to a replumb job.
This from a man with Cobalt Blue nails? Really Loren?
Hey Chum! You struck a huge nerve with your Voice Box buddy on this one. I suffer every night watching Tiger ( Detroit) relief pitchers give up 5 run leads in the last 3 innings! at least you have gorgeous babes like Suzie and Hannah with you to suffer through those awful Padres.
P.S. Louise is not bad on my end either!
Loren Love to hear the strength in your voice. Go get your man time , you deserve it. Be strong and Be Happy.
Loren, you’re just a sexy as you we’re in 1987!
OMG, Loren! I am truly laughing out loud! Even I think I’d go crazy if all I did was spend time with women (or men). Variety in company is truly the spice of life. Now go dig some holes, hunt lizards and snakes, etc. (but be sure to take Gumby w/ you…he needs “man-time” too)
I am still laughing Loren. You are so my brother and my husband. You are a great guy. Keep it up. We all love you.
Loren, this is funny!!!! BTW ladies…tried this new nail polish color from Sparitual called “It’s Raining Men” – Great color!!!!
Well, Loren, I think you should just relax and enjoy the ladies. Believe me there is crying in baseball,Maybe not the players, but sure enough the fans are doing plenty of it.
But I can see your point, you just need to schedule your luncheons with ladies in between your man days then you will have the best of both worlds. After all you did paint your nails cobalt blue, what do expect????? Anyway, just enjoy whatever turns you on and try and spread yourself amongst those that love you.
Loren, “Man Time’…This Saturday morning, 8AM, ” Iron Sharpens Iron” North Coast Church!
Men’s Breakfast and Guys talking about what ‘bugs us and what helps us!
You are MORE than welcome…
Cheers, Donald Davis
Loren, We leave Monday for beautiful Willow Springs Raceway in Lancaster to test a Vintage NASCAR. Test day is Tuesday. E-mail me if you want to go.
LOL! Sounds like you need to seek out a man cave to me!
You are too funny…..I see your point….OK, get out there and get your man time in……will be waiting to hear in the next blog…..Happy Man TIme! 🙂
I look forward to your comments everyday. You are one remarkable man. My husband and I listened to your gardening advice for years. We changed channels to follow you. We are praying for you daily. God bless you and your family.
There’s no crying in baseball……..love it! Loren…need to ask you a question. Any tips on keeping rattlesnakes away? Have had 4 on our acre out here already this season. Not in one area . Our 2 rotties got bit a few years ago and that was no picnic and quite pricey to get them through . Excuse me for mentioining this but have heard that if one pees around the area it keeps the buggars away. Any truth to that one? Don’t think I realy want to try that one. lol Be well and best to you and your lovely family. I am so enjoying Hannahs posts .She is a gem.
A lady told me at Walter Anderson’s that she was planting Rosemary to keep the rattlesnakes away. Does that work, Loren?
Yes…Loren, when I think of macho – you are the first friend that comes to mind. When you make Thanksgiving centerpieces on your dinner break with fresh gourds filled with flowers and tap way on your computer with your lap dog keeping you warm. It’s like being in the ring with Ali. And for the record, I can grow facial hair if I wanted to…many of us can. But then again – we wouldn’t be able to talk about waxing at lunch.
OMG!!!!! Thats the funniest thing I’ve ever read…..Butthead!
“Like being in the ring with Ali”? OMG that is classic Loren she got you good! lol
LMAO sorry for my potty mouth but yes Loren you are Drowning in a see of Estrogen
You do need some Man Cave Action. All them noises and stuff that men do. A line out of Titanic Walk like a man Spit like man and Fart like a man
Yup it’s time! Go get some Nan Time. the Girls will be there to help you mend after you’re worn out …
Live Laugh and Love
Great pics sure looks like some fun lunch companions!
Okay…that made me laugh my az off…you nailed us Loren…but you love it and you know it…so go have some guy time…it would probably drive me up a wall to go to lunch with a bunch of guys all of the time…nose hair,oil changes,jock itch,baseball stats…blah…I need my girls…with the guys thrown in occasionally….literally and figuratively
Loren, you’re one gem of a guy!
Your a lucky Man Loren. Enjoy it, let them baby you, you deserve it
haha! Go get some man time! But for the record… My worms in my composter, and the first heirloom tomato,
and my chickens laying their first eggs all make me cry:) sometimes even baseball games make me cry! Must be that XX in us girls! Thanks for all the posts! They have been amazing and life changing! They set us all straight and make us look hard at what we see in the mirror every morning! Have fun Loren!