Torrey Pines December 25th, 2013

Life is a series of decisions — and over the years I’ve made plenty of decisions, both bad and good, but I’ve paid special attention to the more recent ones. Since February, it seems there are no small decisions. If I follow the “standard of care”, will I live longer? If I lean into the disease and let it take its’ course, will I be more comfortable? I’ve decidedly taken both paths — beginning with radiation and chemo, neither of which felt right to me. And now I’ve come to the next road in my journey, where I’m learning acceptance, and to be at peace with the understanding that my time is extremely limited and what I’ve got (in all likelihood) isn’t going to disappear.

There’s a lot that passes through my mind on these sleepless nights — mostly my family and what comes next. I want to know if Susie, Graham, Hannah and Britta will continue to grow long after all of this. I hope they continue to fight for others’ needs right up until the end of their own needs. I hope they will draw more strength than pain from having experienced this adversity. I hope that they treasure the importance of each day and are understanding of the fleetingness of life. For my wife, I hope she continues to grow and prosper on the path we began together 30 years ago. For my son, I hope for him to realize his childhood dreams and to chase them wildly until he does. For my daughters, I hope boundless happiness.

One of the lessons I’ve learned in life is that happiness lies in discovering your passions and exploring them fiercely. And passions aren’t necessarily big, grand notions. We can also find passion in a rose garden and the smell of a puppy and the writing of a first grader. Wherever they are, whatever they may be, seek out your passions and cultivate them.

And the most important lesson I’ve learned throughout all of this, is that it is far better to do good for others, than to do good for oneself.

As for the question of what’s on the other side — truth is, I don’t know. But I believe that life is energy and energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms. And whatever form I take on next, I just hope my connection to those I love will remain.


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196 comments on “eNeRGy
  1. Dona Smaczniak says:

    So sad to hear of your passing’ I know your at peace now no more pain. Met you at Balboa park many years ago when you were doing the weather for Channel 10 at the fountain. You were my favorite journalist. Have read all your blogs since Feb. May peace be with you and your family.

  2. Donna says:

    You will be missed Loren.

  3. Gilmore Family says:

    We are saddened to hear of Loren’s passing, we pray the family strength and peace. He was a wonderful man. Please know in your heart he is up there now and you will see him again. GBY >
    The Gilmore Family

  4. Ann Wojtczak says:

    Dear Nancarrow Family, I have been following your journey. I understand your journey as we had our own watching our 22 yr old son die of brain cancer. There are still no words that anyone can say to ease your pain, only time will help– some. We were given a saying that really touched me, and hope it will do the same for you all:

    God saw you getting tired
    A cure was not to be-so he put his arms around you and whispered “come with me”
    With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you fade away
    Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
    A golden heart stopped beating, your gentle hands at rest.
    God took you home to prove to us.
    He only takes the best.

    Loren will never be forgotten and will be watching down on you all.
    We miss him so much already.
    Keep strong as he is very proud of you all.
    Rest in Peace Loren,

  5. Bon says:

    Your family has often been in our thoughts this last year as we’ve used our RV and run into you at the dealership from time to time. This year as we put up our Christmas tree (using Loren’s famous recipe, which we swear by), I said another prayer for your family. May God bless you all.

  6. Jeanette says:

    I am so sorry for your loss and for the end of Loren’s journey through life. He was an inspirational man who taught us all much. I will look and wait to feel his energy as I pass through his familiar haunts. Rest in peace dear man and may you all find comfort in each others embrace.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I an so sorry for your loss, I’m sure you have been told a million times what a great man he was but he was. He touched so many hearts and left me with lots of memories..RIP Loren

  8. Kat O says:

    You will be missed ,my friend. Thank you for all that you taught us……….about courage and living and dying. You will be remembered through your family and friends and by all the people that you touched in your short life. Your energy will live on in our hearts and gardens and in our beautiful San Diego sunsets. REST IN PEACE my friend . Deepest and sincerest condolences to the Nancarrow family

  9. Amber says:

    My prayers are with the Nancarrow family. Loren will be missed by all of us.

    • Loren you were so wise. I know your family will continue to grow and affect a change in the lives of all they touch. You were such a “grand marshall” as you lit a torch on the path as you blazed out of this life into the next. You are most suredly looking down on us all with a smile on this sunny day we are enjoying here in God’s most beautiful city “San Diego”. God bless you Loren and your love and kindness (and humor) touched my heart.

  10. Barbara Auckland says:

    Goodbye Loren…. I don’t doubt that you are seeing all the beauty and wonder on the other side, and seeing all the people you loved who have gone before you. I hope your legacy brings strength to your family during this sad time.

  11. Anonymous says:

    To Loren’s family, My deepest sympathy. We have lost a remarkable man, whose energy has made this world a better place.

  12. Paige Reder says:

    Loren was a true inspiration to everyone who knew him. All the prayers said for you these past 10 months has lifted you to the eternal garden where I am sure you have already started nuturing the soil.
    To a strong family who have served as examples to all of us, I offer my deepest thoughts.
    Not Gone, just Gone Ahead,
    Paige and Fenway Reder

  13. To the Nancarrow family, I wish you love, comfort, and the peace that comes with a little time. Loren has been a shining presence in San Diego for so long, and has inspired many with his kindness and courage. His love of gardening I’m certain has brought forth the desire in many to start their own gardens, including my own. When my first roses bloom, it will be because of the great advice he has given us. Rest in peace, Loren.

  14. randomguru says:

    through your rose gardening videos, you inspired me to get my passion back for rose gardening. rest in heavenly eternal peace, Loren… and my sincerest condolences to the Nancarrow Family.

  15. Celia says:

    Rest in peace Loren. My heart is so sad tonight. Thoughts & Prayers to your family. You will be missed by so very many. Xoxo!

  16. Anetha J. says:

    I learned a lot about gardening from your segments on 10 News. You were a peaceful presence, a trusted source of information. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but I hope you found peace on the other side. You were a true warrior to the end. San Diego will always miss you.

  17. Jennifer Keller says:

    I have grown up watching Loren Nancarrow on our local news and always found comfort in his gentle spirit, wonderful gardening tips, and life lessons. We as a city, as your city, weep for your passing, rejoice for your greatly deserved peace, and graciously thank you and your incredible family for bravely sharing your journey with us and blessing us by being our son, brother, and father. Rest In Sweet Peace Loren and our sincerest condolences to the Nancarrow family…

  18. Peter Anderson says:

    My prayers, thoughts and love to the Nancarrow family, the San Diego journalism family, and San Diegans around the world like me who while never actually meeting Loren, felt we knew Loren after watching him for 30 years on our TV’s. He really felt like one of the good guys. He was taken from us way too soon and too young, but maybe God needs to hear that the weather in heaven is perfect every day or maybe he needs help with his garden. Whatever the reason, thank you Loren for being part of our lives and may we all cross paths again someday.

  19. Cat says:

    Just got home, reading emails and listening to Channel 10 on 210 to see what I missed today. I am reading your post while I hear in the other room you left us on Saturday 12-28-13 at 6:30pm.

    It is so wrong. Cancer is so evil. I am so sorry for your family. They will miss you so much. I know the pain and the shock. I have been there, I know the date, the time and the hell of my drive home from the hospital. I think I said, “this is not happening, this is not real” so many times I cannot remember. I still say it after almost 3 years.

    I hope your wish for your garden is fulfilled and it brings comfort to all who visit. The world is a better place because you were in it. Your family will hurt for some time as it is devastating to lose you. It is the way it is. It is hell, but it shows how much they loved you.

    Bye Loren.

  20. Nancy Woodward says:

    Sending much love to the Nancarrow Family

  21. Cecile Fleetwood says:

    Energy, it has been said, never goes away…it just changes. Loren may have died but his energy lives on…in his family & friends, in the good works he did, in the education he shared, & in his life as an example for how to live & die with strength & love. It’s so hard to even talk about this. It hasn’t even been a month since my husband died. Like Loren he is finally out of pain & I hope his soul is at peace. Susie be as strong as you can and keep your family & friends close. I send all of you my love & support for this difficult time.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Why do we weep for strangers? Or rather, why do strangers weep for you? I hope you take solace in the fact that there are thousands of us strangers here in our small town (because we all know that’s what San Diego ultimately is) feeling truly devastated by your loss, and crying real tears of sorrow. Our sorrow should give you comfort because it means we truly loved Loren. We truly felt his authenticity, his passion, and his love for family and community. It came through in a medium not known for authenticity.
    People live until 95 and leave just a smudge of a fingerprint on the world. And others die at 60, leaving a big, muddy, exuberant boot print here. We weep for what could have been, but I hope you’ll find comfort in what an impact Loren made in his world. And ultimately, isn’t that all we’re looking for? Someone to love, someone to love us back, and leaving behind a positive legacy. Mission accomplished, Loren.
    I’m truly sorry for your family’s loss, no amount of kind words will fill that hole, but I hope you’ll find solace in the immense love and energy this community has for your beloved Loren. Be well.

  23. Jason says:

    Beautifully written, our prayers are with you.

  24. Anonymous says:

    RIP Loren! I hope we are lucky enough to recognize your energy for eternity. Much love to the Nancarrow Family. Thank you for sharing your journey!

  25. Barbara Gillingham says:

    So sad to hear the news. Our sympathy and prayers to Loren’s brave family.

  26. EEH says:

    Peace, Loren.

  27. Mary says:

    RIP Loren, my heart and prayers are with your family

  28. Anonymous says:

    Rest in peace… prayers are with you and ur family

  29. Shirley Mulloy says:

    May peace and live surround your family in this most difficult time.

  30. Rest in eternal peace, Loren. My love to your family.

  31. Anne says:

    Just heard the news. My condolences to the Nancarrow Family.

  32. Nancarrow family: know that there are thousands and thousands of people wrapping their arms around you now and hoping to help you get through the next days, weeks, and months. RIP Loren–you touched many lives, and will continue to touch them.

  33. Phyllis Ramage says:

    Loren, you have been a good man here on earth. God has blessed you with a beautiful family and a wonderful life. Few men have been blessed as much as you. You are right energy lives on. What if today really was the last day of your life and you are poised on the brink, a wonderful lifetime in hand, ready to make that step into the unknown. Since the Bible describes it so beautifully, are you reading about it?
    No one made more shocking statements about the after life than Jesus of Nazareth. His teachings left audiences of people amazed, dumbfounded even outraged.
    He says in the Holy Scriptures, Luke 6:22-23 Blessed are you when people hate you,
    when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man,
    23 “Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their ancestors treated the prophets.
    Jesus shows in words above, why we can rejoice, even in the worst circumstances. There is a direct connection between something you do for Him on earth and something “great” He will do for you in heaven. Matthew 16:27 he will reward each person according to what they have done.
    Luke 14:1 and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”
    Your belief unlocks the door to eternal life. The second key is your behavior. Behavior unlocks the key to your reward. God sent His Son from heaven to help us see the truth. You were created in the image of God for a life of purpose, You have a body, soul and spirit. John 3:6 and 1 Thess 5:23. Your eternal destination is based on your belief, how you spend eternity, heaven or hell, is based on your behavior while on earth.
    Man is sinful. Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God Sin separates man from God Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death
    So how good do you have to be to get to heaven? 20% good, 50% good 100% good? The answer is, we can never be good enough. That is why Jesus bore our sins in His own body on the cross, that we having died to sin, might live for righteousness. By his wounds we have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24
    1 Corinthians 15:3-6 Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas, and then to the Twelve. After that, he appeared to more than five hundred.
    John 14:6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
    God has separated the gulf that separates us from Him. By sending his son Jesus Christ, to die on the cross in our place to pay the penalty for our sins.
    We must individually receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Then we can know and experience God’s plan for our lives, no matter how long that life may be. John 1:12,Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— When we receive Christ, we receive a new birth.
    It is never too late to accept Him and spend eternity with Him. Revelation 3:20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.
    You will live on Loren and You can receive Christ right now by faith, through prayer to God.
    Lord Jesus, Forgive me for my sins. I need you. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive you as my Savior and my Lord. Thank you for forgiving me my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the person you want me to be.

    Much love, Loren,

    Phyllis Ramage

  34. Tony Isabella says:

    Many years ago I had the pleasure of playing in softball tournament with you in RB. It was a lot of fun. I got to learn quite a bit about the media and the people that bring us the news daily. Each day that I got to watch you on the news I always did it with a feeling of pride.
    I now work with disabled children and young adults. I love what I do. I’m also a high school football and softball coach. Being able to have an an impact on their lives goes without saying.
    That weekend I got to spend on your team was great! The fight you are in inspires me to be a better coach, a better person.I lost a good friend last year to brain cancer. He fought like you and lived longer than some thought. He did pass away to soon for us but is now in Gods land. I miss him very much.
    God will be with you “mi amigo”.

  35. Polly Mac Alpin says:

    Loren Nancarrow. I’ve been following your blog and it just breaks my heart at what your going through. I hope you know that Heaven is a real place full of wonderful things. Please I hope you can experience them. Know that God loves you and died for your sin. He just wants us to accept His gift of love. Ask Jesus to forgive you of your mess ups and ask to come into your heart and be your savior and best friend. Talk to him when you can’t sleep. He will always be there to listen. John 3:16 Heaven is a good place to be when this life is over.

  36. Adrienne Durso says:
  37. Anonymous says:

    Just wondering if you looked into the Healer Adam Miller ?

  38. Lil Noonan says:

    Loren, thank you for writing this. My husband is also fighting a losing battle, and while I struggle to understand my own emotions, I also worry about what he’s thinking and feeling. I believe I now have a better understanding. I watch as he goes through this with the same grace and dignity you appear to have. And I am proud of his/your courage. May God Bless you and your family.

  39. Teri says:

    Loren, I only know you from the TV. I grew up in San Diego and watching you on the news. Thank you for all the years of serving our community. And thank you for the advice about finding something to be passionate about no matter how small, a great piece of advice I needed to hear tonight. Last year I decided no more New Years resolutions, but each year could have a theme. Thank you for helping me decide the 2014 theme of finding something that I am passionate about that is just right for me. San Diego loves Loren Nancarrow.

  40. Anonymous says:

    Dear Loren – You inspire me with your passion for life and your honesty as you look the future in the face. I see grace in you, and bravery, and the humor you’ve always shown coupled with keen intelligence and love for your family. My heart goes out to you and wishes you peace. Please know that thousands of people have been following your journey this year, and that we hold a warm thought for you in our hearts. There is never enough time for any of us, but you’ve made exemplary use of your time and talents. We’ll miss you. (hugs) Susi & Jose Torre-Bueno

  41. M/M Harris says:

    We’ve watched you for years on tv. Although we don’t know you personally, you seem like a truly wonderful man, husband, father and friend. We were quite saddened to hear about your battle. Know that you are loved by many who haven’t been blessed to actually get to know you. Sending prayers to you and your family.

  42. Anonymous says:

    Remarkable, Loren. I’m amazed at your strength, faith, insight, and ability to convey it so well under unimaginable stress. You have peace and that is a Godsend. Best… always! Steve

  43. Carrie Mihalkanin says:

    Power be with you. Love and Light to shield your family. God’s speed. You’re a wonder.
    Thank you again and again.

  44. Annie VerSteeg says:

    God’s Speed Loren Nancarrow, you have been a light in our lives and will be a light in our sky. We know your family will feel the special breeze of your breath when they need it the most. Love to all of you.

  45. Phil Fischman says:

    My dear friend Loren,

    I’m not sure which ancient Greek uttered the words “Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live” but they were on to something. You capture that essence so well.

    You’ve lived your life ~ filled it with love, humor, wisdom, generosity.
    You still are living every moment of it, good for you. You’ve maintained your standards throughout, God Bless you for that, and for sharing such a pure part of your being with us.

    Your family is a living extension of your love and knowledge. Like shining rays of light emanating from your sun. They will keep shining even when the heart of you cannot continue it’s rhythmic drumbeat. Susie is an angel…your children are born of love.

    You and Susie are giving us the best of yourselves with your blogs ~ few of us could be so strong, clear and honest ~ such a blessing and a mitzvah. What spectacular examples you are providing for all of us…. Your sweet napkin note to Susie made me laugh…Valeri too. It was on a brown paper bag, written in pencil that I wooed her with laughter and love.

    Your strength and humor in looking life and yes, your own mortality, right in the eye…and smiling is remarkable. We’ve read about the afterlife…surely, you will live well there too.

    God blesses each of us with this breath of life ~ with these miraculous bodies ~ with our own programmable supercomputer ~ with time and free will to make choices and decisions.

    You have Blessed God back by the way you have lived Loren.
    You are a blessing to all of us who love you and have been loved by you…..

    Energy cannot be destroyed…within you is the same air that Buddha breathed…the same light that shone on Christ’s shoulders….

    Mahalo my brother….stay as long as you need to be here….go with love…be in the light.

  46. Linda says:

    Blessings to you and your family. May peace be with you.

  47. Brenda F says:

    Dearest Loren, what a gift you give us with your insights. So often we take life for granted Your strength, faith, acceptance and realism are amazing. Tears streamed off of my face as I read, partially in sadness, but partially in awe of and gratitude to you for sharing your journey, struggles and thoughts. How many people you have touched, and I know that many of us, including me, will be forever changed, and will find our passion and pursue it. I will think of you when I see the sun on the ocean, hear the owl’s call at night. I pray for you and for your family. Wishing you peace and God’s grace.

  48. Tom says:

    Hola Loren

    We’ve emailed about the local crows and mockingbirds in the past; I’m the one who has the mockingbirds who nested under the pepper tree that provided a natural “crow barrier”. Well, since then I’ve had a blue and gold macaw that I have since returned to the birdstore. He was wonderful but I was working full time at the time, and he looked SO sad sitting in his cage all day until I got home from work. He did learn to sit on the right handlebar of my bicycle, however, and we would ride all over the place. If you were ever out and about in from about 2009 to 2010 and saw someone in the Hillcrest/NP area with a beautiful Macaw on the right handle of their bicycle, it was probably ME!!! Now I have 5 chickens; I just LOVE the way they resemble their ancient ancestors, the dinosaurs. They aren’t doing a very good job laying eggs at the moment, but at least they are serving as little bi-pedal fertilizer dispensers!

    I won’t say anything stupid like “Get well soon”, but you ARE a journalist; I appreciate your brave attitude. But have you ever thought of attempting to document the last moments of life from your perspective? Remember “Brainstorm” from Christopher Walken and Natalie Wood? Wow, what a documentary THAT would make!!!!


    • Beth Browne says:

      Thank you for the beautiful picture. And think you for your blog and sharing your feelings through this difficult journey. I am, however, a Christian, and do believe the beauty in the picture you have posted, is nothing compared to the beauty you and others of us will receive when our time during this journey has ended, and we find ourselves in the present of the Holy Child and the beauty that we will encounter. May God’s blessings be with you.

      Beth Browne

  49. Anonymous says:

    Loren, I watched my beloved sister , husband and mother die and felt with them their transition into their new life…I sensed it in their motions and emotions…I knew that each of them had found the “promised land.” God be with you and your family.

  50. Cindy Yco says:

    Dear Loren,
    I remember when you and Susie came over for dinner over 20 years ago and i wasn’t a very good cook but you were so gracious. I remember when my youngest son got his first german shepherd puppy and your dog was the sire. He was so proud of his puppy Sasha. Over the years you and Susie kept in touch with Mario much more but when we moved back to North County we communicated much through FB and what I recall even prior to your illness is that you were always so appreciative and would apologize if you forgot to say “Thank You”. Sometimes we would see you and Susie out to eat and it always seemed like you two were on a date so engaged. More recently I’m glad that I ran into you, Graham and Susie and gave you a hug. Such a wonderful inner spirit you’ve both shared. Every time I think of random acts of kindness, being totally engaged, or watching a beautiful sunset I will always remember you my friend.
    Cindy and Mario

    • Anonymous says:

      So sad to say goodbye for now, hope you get to ride that energy on some awesome new adventures. Peace be with you and your family.

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