Cobalt Blue

Posted on February 5, 2013 by lorennancarrow — 102 Comments

My friend, Bill Toone, is a wildlife biologist. I’m sure he won’t mind me saying that he boils the whole world down into the chemical reactions that make us who we are. We eat because of chemical reactions. We breed because of chemical reactions. And, thank goodness, our emotions are really nothing more than a chemical reaction. I’d be in trouble if I had to maintain this level of emotional response over an extended period of time. After a week, I’ve exhausted my own supply of emotive chemicals. I’m sorry, but I’ve had to turn to Xanax to help turn them off a little bit. We have cried with love, cried with fear, laughed with love and laughed for no particular reason at all.

I may not look like it on T.V., but I’m a rocker. I’m Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, Steven Tyler and Crazy Train still makes me pick up an air guitar. But for the past week I have not been able to get Mama Cass Elliot “Dream a Little Dream of Me” out of my freakin’ head. If this is part of the cure…then I have to reconsider the treatment.

Treatment is the phase we move to this week. What is the blob? What has its kind responded to in the past? What’s the point? If any. This is where the pros will help, but it’s also where you all seem to have so much experience and have provided me with questions to ask and options to consider. And, I thank you for that.

By the way, for the past 40 years I’ve worn a suit and tie and done nothing crazier than to have a “soul patch” for a while. But today, I had my finger nails painted cobalt blue. The barista (or whatever you call her) at the Pannikin said, with genuine sincerity, that she liked them and it made my day. It excites me about the possibilities of tomorrow.

Loren

Tagged with: Brain Tumor, Cancer, Loren Nancarrow
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Midnight Poetry

Posted on February 4, 2013 by hannahjanenancarrow — 117 Comments

Well, hello again.

Susie spent the night in my hospital room, reading me ancient poetry from Rumi. He wrote a lot about donkeys and plants. Sadly, the thought occurred to me, I am not that deep. The leap from donkeys and plants to cancer is where I have trouble making the connection.

For example, Susie recited: “Courage: a gazelle turns to face a pack of lions.” Let’s be honest…the gazelle is toast.

What has struck me more acutely is the absolute lack of empathy and awareness I had for others’ suffering…until this beast popped up.

So many of you have shared poignant and, frankely, heartwrenching stories of your own personal journeys. I have been around during those journeys and somehow missed them. I’m not offering any excuses, just to say that my epiphany, thus far, has been to open my eyes to your lives. A friend who crashed his motorcycle on my first day in the hospital and is still in a coma, a coworker who went from his 3-year-old daughter’s birthday party directly to his own father’s devastating MRI results and his mother’s continued chemotherapy. I can’t begin to list the stories you have shared with me over the past 7 days, because there are so damn many of them. Your stories are meant to be lessons and I think I’ve finally heard you.

A purposeful life awaits me, I just hope it’s not too late to do good. I have a family that will focus on what I need to do to get my body healthy. My time will be devoted to opening my eyes in those ways I have been unable…until now. Let’s share some laughs along the way, listen to some good music (like, my boy, Graham Nancarrow) and keep rootin’ for the gazelle.

Loren

Tagged with: Brain Cancer, Loren Nancarrow, Rumi
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Nurse Rod Plays “Heart Strings for Loren Nancarrow”

Posted on February 1, 2013 by lorennancarrow — 33 Comments

Rod was kind enough to name this song “Heart Strings for Loren Nancarrow.” He performed it for me and my family in the ICU today.

Tagged with: Loren Nancarrow
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Let the Healing Begin

Posted on February 1, 2013 by lorennancarrow — 105 Comments

Got a visit from Rod this morning, the hospital’s therapy staff. That can’t be a good sign. He played me a beautiful Hawaiian song. The good news is I love Ukelele music, the bad news is that can’t be a good sign.

Beautiful Ukelele music proceeded the numbers 3 or 4. Not important. The importance is to let the healing begin. Susie and I are together, the kids are on their way, let the healing begin. What comes next we’ll discover but we’ll do it together. Those are words that have such powerful meaning in our family. I appreciate everything that’s been said and done about me in my life and especially during the last few days. I am honestly surprised as I can be a real butt head at times.

By the way the doctor and his team did a great job. Now it’s up to my team and we’re on it. Love you San Diego, let the healing begin.

[I will post the video of Rod playing later. The hospital has blocked access to Youtube—they hate fun here.]

Tagged with: Loren Nancarrow
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Blob Busting Buds

Posted on January 31, 2013 by lorennancarrow — 27 Comments

Here are a few photos of some of my incredible friends who have come to visit. Thank you to everybody who has shared their kind words, positive energy, comforting stories and laughter with us. It is much appreciated.

See you on the “other side.”

Loren

JZ & Jaime Chambers

Ross Shimabuku

Kathleen Bade

Chad Voisen

Hal Clement

Jack & Julianne Ford

Jenn Karlman

Tagged with: Blob, Fox 5, Loren Nancarrow, San Diego, Tumor
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Tumor Humor

Posted on January 30, 2013 by lorennancarrow — 371 Comments

I have a new “friend.” For the sake of this blog, its name is the “Blob.” He’s been with me for a while now, but I was just formally introduced to him when his picture appeared on an MRI Sunday night.

I have been getting goofy over the last couple years. Unexplained stuff, I could only explain by getting older: aches, pains, ringing in the ears and other assorted stuff that generally goes along with being over 40, as I am (first element of humor). Recently, it’s gotten worse. Add numb hands, feet and dropping stuff to the list of annoyances.

While shopping at the grocery store Sunday night I ran into a doctor friend, who asked me how I was doing. When I answered, no words came out. He got the picture. That conversation (or lack-thereof) led to a trip to an ICU (where I now have a super-secret pseudonym and password). That’s where I first met the “Blob.”

He’s plum-sized on the left frontal lobe. Poetic justice being what it is, this is the area of my brain that controls speech. So my new job may be as an ASL translator for important people, such as the popular band, Nickelback (second element of humor). But we’ll discuss job opportunities after I get this damn thing out of my head. That happens Thursday. They say it’ll take 5 hours. I work the night shift, so I see this as a nice little nap. When I wake up, we should know if it’s a good, bad or another type of “Blob” and what comes next.

Since we don’t know that stuff, it might be a good time to talk about all the possibilities. We’ve learned my doctor is the best there is. Listed as one of Oprah’s “Miracle Men” and has several 5-star yelp reviews. My buddy, Paul Ecke, stopped by and brought up a complication we hadn’t considered: my political leanings may change and I may wake up yelling “drill baby drill!” or finding wisdom in what Sarah Palin has to say. The point here is we’re entering territory about which I know little. Having my family and friends around me for the past two days has confirmed that my strength will come from humor—not worry.

Please think of me and the “blob” in happy terms, and as Paul also said “I’ll see you on the other side.” I’m pretty sure he meant the other side of the weekend.

Loren

My friend, Paul Ecke, me and the “Blob”